Myth Debunked: Men are more visual than women

It never ceases to amaze me the stories I'm told when I mention to someone, particularly a female, that I'm interested in sexuality. It's as if they don't have a friend to confide in and they know I won't judge them for what they're about to tell me.

Whatever their reasoning, I'm certainly not complaining. Besides making my life a heck of a lot more interesting,  it gives me additional experiences, besides simply my own, to use to debunk popular assumptions such as, "Men are more visual than women." But we can even break it down a bit more than that...

Women are fully capable of being visually attracted to a man's body.

Case in point.

Last week one of my co-workers and I got together for lunch. She is also a Christian and happened to graduate from the same small, private, liberal arts, Christian college that I attended. We hadn't known each other while in school and this lunch was the first time we had ever gotten together to talk. After I mentioned my interest in sexuality she proceeded to tell me that during her time in college, she was often distracted in one of her theology classes by her male professor's butt. She often had to remind herself throughout class to stop looking at it.

Women are fully capable of seeing an attractive man and objectifying him.

Here are just two examples from my own life:

1. Guy runs by with his shirt off, his body glistening with sweat. I find my eyes following him down the path. My mind jumps to all the things I could do to him if I could just reach out and touch him= man as sex toy.
2. Want to know why "Think Like a Man" is one of my favorite movies ever (besides Kevin Hart being hilarious of course)! Michael Ealy.

Enough said. And trust me, his eyes aren't the only parts of his body that are to die for. Do you know how badly I want to be Taraji Henson's character in that movie? Every day of my life! That may be a tad over dramatic, but probably not by much.

 Women are fully capable of replaying sexual fantasies or pornographic scenes in their minds.

One of my male friends recently told me that the first time he realized that women were as visual as men was when one of his female friends told him that she replayed movie scenes in her head while running. These movie scenes weren't erotic in any way. I guess he had taken the idea that women weren't visual to mean that we didn't have the ability to visualize images in our minds.

Now I don't know how other people interpret the idea that women aren't visual, but interpreting it in that way is certainly not true. And not only can we replay scenes we've watched or pull up pictures we've seen (both erotic and otherwise), we've also got a fantastic imagination. Just because I've never seen it, doesn't mean I can't watch it happen in my head.

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As human beings, male and female, we are all wired to notice and be attracted to beauty. With regards to our sexuality, we are all designed to be attracted to people we find physically attractive. I won't pretend to know how it works for you, but usually I notice someone is physically attractive because I see them. Just saying.

As Christians, we are called to live holy lives and this comes into play with how we deal with the visual stimulus around us. How do I react to my attraction to the half naked man running down my street? How do I react to the erotic image that just popped up in my head? The fact these things happen is part of our sexual nature. How we choose to react to them has to come from our understanding of what is means to live a holy life.

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Also, I don't want it to go unsaid that women can be physically aroused by visual stimulus. Don't assume we aren't or can't be. Carry on.

What's the Point

Sometimes I have existential crises.

I ask questions such as,

             "What's the meaning of life?"

and 

             "What's my purpose?"

My purpose is to glorify God and to be in relationship with him. How?

By being a testimony to the redeeming work he has done in my life. How?

By using my past experiences to help others through their present experiences and pointing them to the One who has seen me through. I remember when I realized this during my addiction. I was at my lowest and that idea gave me hope.

Hope that what I was going through would not be purposeless. That I was not just suffering to suffer.

Hope that God could redeem my story and use my pain to bring hope and healing to the lives of others.  

I decided that when, not if, I was free of my bondage I would share the amazing work God had done in my life. How could I not?

God is in the business of redemption. He wants to redeem you. your life. your story. 

And when you experience His redemption, how can you not share it?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.                                                 2 Corinthians 1:3,4 

Breaking the Cycle

It's amazing how God causes you to cross paths with people with whom you share similar struggles. A few weeks ago I had the privilege of reconnecting with a friend and she shared with me her struggle with pornography. I had told her about my 8 year struggle with porn 2 years ago, and now she was at a place where she felt comfortable talking about her's.

In talking with her, she asked me for any advice I had to help her stop the addiction and curb the desire. Whenever someone asks me that question, my first thought is always: how long do I have to talk?! After struggling with this for a good portion of my life I have the potential of going on and on and on...

Since I have now answered that very question for numerous people, I thought I would publicly share my general tips. **Disclaimer: I'm aware that this issue affects males and females differently, so please take these tips in context.

1. You won't stop until you want to- that may sound obvious, but it's the truth. There were many times early on in those 8 years that I said I wanted to quit, but inside I knew I didn't really want to. I hadn't hit rock bottom yet and there seemed to be no other alternative coping methods. 
2. Tell someone- short, sweet, and simple. Accountability is the name of the game. 
3. Discover the triggers- why do you look at porn? Is it because you're lonely? Because you  desire emotional intimacy? Ultimately, handling the why will offer the greatest freedom.  Counseling helps with this a lot. DO.IT. 
4. Recognize the setting- when and where do you look at porn?  Is it at night? In the afternoon? After you've watched an overly sexual movie or TV show? In your bedroom? At school? If it's something you can avoid, do so! Paul says run from sexual immorality! (1 Corinth. 6:18) I no longer take that lightly. 
5. Pray over spaces- if you know you struggle with porn in your bed at night then pray over your bedroom and bed before you get in it. And by golly get others to pray too! 
6. Declare truth out loud- this is both for yourself and the enemy. I am a firm believer of speaking things into existence. The biggest one for me was that "I am worth saving." I struggled a lot with my value before God because of my shame during the addiction.
7. Don't focus on trying not to think about it- because in a round about way, you are thinking about it. Instead, actively think about something else. Discover and pursue the passions that God has given you! Actively think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and/or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). 
8. Remind yourself of God's faithfulness and power- the way I chose to do this was by writing down verses on index cards that were particularly meaningful to me and posting them all over my door so I had to look at them before I left my room in the morning. I also suggest  writing things on mirrors. 
9. Keep your computer in a public space- let's just be super practical for a moment. Don't allow yourself to be alone with your computer. 
10. Have a filter- when I was 11, the internet had just become popular and there weren't many (if any) filters or even pop-up blockers. Now there are. Use them. A great free one is called Blue Coat K9 Web Protection. I use it. It's pretty boss. 

While these are all nice, strategic, offensive things to do to combat the struggle with porn, it is crucial that you remember that you are not going to save yourself. Sorry.

My journey through my addiction was what turned me into a Holy Spirit lovin' Christian! When I realized in 10th grade that it was only through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me that I had any hope of regaining "control" of my life, everything changed. I switched from the losing team to the winning team and I haven't looked back since. 

While this may make my road to recovery look simple and smooth, it certainly wasn't and temptation is still there. In the midst of all the turmoil never forget that you are a beloved child of God and that the battle is already won. 

Fear is not from God

Remind yourself of truth.

XXX

Tonight, my pastor, who's background is in youth ministry, looked me in the eyes and told me that porn is a guy's issue.

Back story:

This evening, I went to dinner at my pastor's house. While his wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, he filled me and the other couple who was in attendance about the youth conference that he and an associate pastor at the church are planning for next summer. He was really excited about a certain speaker who had just agreed to come and speak on sexuality. This man has done research on how pornography affects the brain and how it changes our perception of intimacy. He is going to do a session, just for the guys, about sexuality and pornography. The following day, he will be doing a session for all the youth regarding general sexuality. After telling us this, my pastor looked at me and said, "I guess he could do a session just for the girls, but porn is really just a guy's issue."

Now, I don't know what your opinion is on this matter, but here's mine: porn is just as much a girl's issue as it is a guy's issue. 

I know that my pastor had no idea that he was looking at a woman who had been addicted to porn for 8 years beginning at age 11. Part of me wonders if that would even change his perception of the issue. Maybe I would just be an anomaly to him.

And maybe it's true that porn was more of a guys issue in previous generations, but today 1 in 3 people who view porn online are women. This number has been growing over the past few years!

Even beyond this, the assumption that porn is only a guy's issue bothers me because it makes 2 big assumptions (among others):

1. A girl's sexual nature is "innocent"
2. A girl isn't as visual as a guy

It has these 2 big consequences (among others):

1. Shames and isolates girls as they internalize the belief that no other girl struggles with porn
2. Causes confusion as girls feel as though they are wired more like males 

I may get into those ideas further at a later date, but for now I'll leave it at that.

Porn runs rampant in our society today. I stumbled upon it accidentally on our home computer as a child. I know of junior high students whose friends have shown it to them while they were hanging out. Porn has to be dealt with not only by individual families, but also in community. I know that this is an issue that invokes a lot of shame, but the more we keep it a secret the more it eats individuals alive and tears families apart.

The point is that porn is an issue for males and females-- I would argue equally so. The longer we go on with the mindset that this is only a guy's issue, the longer we ignore all the girls that are silently struggling with this in isolation.

A Tale of Two Loves

I love youth ministry.

I've been involved in junior high ministry for the past 6 years and I don't regret a single day. I hold to my belief that this age- full of confusion, awkwardness, and crazy levels of energy- is the best age to work with!

This is the age when students begin to ask deeper questions about themselves, about the world, and about God. They begin changing, mentally, emotionally, and physically and processing these changes. And I have the privilege of living life with them each step of the way.

I also love sexuality.

I've been interested in sexuality for many years and, believe it or not, this topic is not handled very well by many youth ministries. Maybe this is because this topic isn't handled well by many churches...hmmmmm.

I'm currently reading a book by Lisa McMinn entitled, "Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World." Among other things, she talks about how adolescents (and most adults even) do not know how their sexuality fits into their every day lives. Is it possible to be a sexual being if you're not engaging in sex? (Why yes, it sure is)

The Church has the capacity to call people towards a higher view of sexuality- a more holistic view!  God created us as sexual beings! Our sexuality is a good thing.

Our discussions of sexuality should not be boiled down to sex or relationships and talked about once every year or every other year. If we seriously believe that this topic touches our everyday lives, we have to got to find ways of intentionally weaving it into discussions more often.

For those of us involved in youth ministry, what are we doing to guide our students in understanding their sexuality?
For those who have children, what are you doing to guide your children in this journey?

For all of us, do we understand our own individual sexuality and how it relates to those around us?

That's the first step.

Truth & Mystery