A Friendly Reminder

The more I talk with girls and women who are dealing with porn addictions the more upset I get (and that is putting it nicely). The destruction that an addiction causes to someone’s life is huge and so painful to witness. The hopelessness in their voice and their perceived isolation haunts me. I remember that. 7 years ago really isn’t all that distant in my memory.

Recently, I was made aware of a woman’s experience that is probably far too common. When she was in high school, she told a few of her closest friends, women who attended her church, that she was addicted to pornography and masturbation. After her initial disclosure, they never talked about it again. Her friends never brought it up, never mentioned it, and for all practical intents and purposes went on living as though she had never said a word about it to them. To this day, some 6 years later, she is still in the midst of these addictions.

To those of you who have had a friend tell you that they struggle with porn or masturbation and have chosen to ignore the subject, STOP IT. The worst thing as an addict is when you somehow muster up the courage to tell someone about your shameful, dirty secret life and they act as though you’d never told them. To me that’s worse than someone telling you to “just stop” looking at porn or masturbating. At least they are acknowledging that you shared your struggle with them even though they aren’t doing it in a helpful or effective way.

I understand that it may be uncomfortable for you when your friend tells you about their addiction. If you don’t know what to say or how to best support them, find something or someone who can help you help them! There are books and online resources to read and pastors and counselors for you to reach out to.

Most girls going through an addiction don't want to tell their friends because they don't want to burden them with their problems. By ignoring them or being silent about the issue you are affirming that idea.  

Let this be your friendly reminder: don’t notice your friend is drowning and choose to look the other way.

 

 

Breaking the Cycle

It's amazing how God causes you to cross paths with people with whom you share similar struggles. A few weeks ago I had the privilege of reconnecting with a friend and she shared with me her struggle with pornography. I had told her about my 8 year struggle with porn 2 years ago, and now she was at a place where she felt comfortable talking about her's.

In talking with her, she asked me for any advice I had to help her stop the addiction and curb the desire. Whenever someone asks me that question, my first thought is always: how long do I have to talk?! After struggling with this for a good portion of my life I have the potential of going on and on and on...

Since I have now answered that very question for numerous people, I thought I would publicly share my general tips. **Disclaimer: I'm aware that this issue affects males and females differently, so please take these tips in context.

1. You won't stop until you want to- that may sound obvious, but it's the truth. There were many times early on in those 8 years that I said I wanted to quit, but inside I knew I didn't really want to. I hadn't hit rock bottom yet and there seemed to be no other alternative coping methods. 
2. Tell someone- short, sweet, and simple. Accountability is the name of the game. 
3. Discover the triggers- why do you look at porn? Is it because you're lonely? Because you  desire emotional intimacy? Ultimately, handling the why will offer the greatest freedom.  Counseling helps with this a lot. DO.IT. 
4. Recognize the setting- when and where do you look at porn?  Is it at night? In the afternoon? After you've watched an overly sexual movie or TV show? In your bedroom? At school? If it's something you can avoid, do so! Paul says run from sexual immorality! (1 Corinth. 6:18) I no longer take that lightly. 
5. Pray over spaces- if you know you struggle with porn in your bed at night then pray over your bedroom and bed before you get in it. And by golly get others to pray too! 
6. Declare truth out loud- this is both for yourself and the enemy. I am a firm believer of speaking things into existence. The biggest one for me was that "I am worth saving." I struggled a lot with my value before God because of my shame during the addiction.
7. Don't focus on trying not to think about it- because in a round about way, you are thinking about it. Instead, actively think about something else. Discover and pursue the passions that God has given you! Actively think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and/or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). 
8. Remind yourself of God's faithfulness and power- the way I chose to do this was by writing down verses on index cards that were particularly meaningful to me and posting them all over my door so I had to look at them before I left my room in the morning. I also suggest  writing things on mirrors. 
9. Keep your computer in a public space- let's just be super practical for a moment. Don't allow yourself to be alone with your computer. 
10. Have a filter- when I was 11, the internet had just become popular and there weren't many (if any) filters or even pop-up blockers. Now there are. Use them. A great free one is called Blue Coat K9 Web Protection. I use it. It's pretty boss. 

While these are all nice, strategic, offensive things to do to combat the struggle with porn, it is crucial that you remember that you are not going to save yourself. Sorry.

My journey through my addiction was what turned me into a Holy Spirit lovin' Christian! When I realized in 10th grade that it was only through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me that I had any hope of regaining "control" of my life, everything changed. I switched from the losing team to the winning team and I haven't looked back since. 

While this may make my road to recovery look simple and smooth, it certainly wasn't and temptation is still there. In the midst of all the turmoil never forget that you are a beloved child of God and that the battle is already won. 

XXX

Tonight, my pastor, who's background is in youth ministry, looked me in the eyes and told me that porn is a guy's issue.

Back story:

This evening, I went to dinner at my pastor's house. While his wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, he filled me and the other couple who was in attendance about the youth conference that he and an associate pastor at the church are planning for next summer. He was really excited about a certain speaker who had just agreed to come and speak on sexuality. This man has done research on how pornography affects the brain and how it changes our perception of intimacy. He is going to do a session, just for the guys, about sexuality and pornography. The following day, he will be doing a session for all the youth regarding general sexuality. After telling us this, my pastor looked at me and said, "I guess he could do a session just for the girls, but porn is really just a guy's issue."

Now, I don't know what your opinion is on this matter, but here's mine: porn is just as much a girl's issue as it is a guy's issue. 

I know that my pastor had no idea that he was looking at a woman who had been addicted to porn for 8 years beginning at age 11. Part of me wonders if that would even change his perception of the issue. Maybe I would just be an anomaly to him.

And maybe it's true that porn was more of a guys issue in previous generations, but today 1 in 3 people who view porn online are women. This number has been growing over the past few years!

Even beyond this, the assumption that porn is only a guy's issue bothers me because it makes 2 big assumptions (among others):

1. A girl's sexual nature is "innocent"
2. A girl isn't as visual as a guy

It has these 2 big consequences (among others):

1. Shames and isolates girls as they internalize the belief that no other girl struggles with porn
2. Causes confusion as girls feel as though they are wired more like males 

I may get into those ideas further at a later date, but for now I'll leave it at that.

Porn runs rampant in our society today. I stumbled upon it accidentally on our home computer as a child. I know of junior high students whose friends have shown it to them while they were hanging out. Porn has to be dealt with not only by individual families, but also in community. I know that this is an issue that invokes a lot of shame, but the more we keep it a secret the more it eats individuals alive and tears families apart.

The point is that porn is an issue for males and females-- I would argue equally so. The longer we go on with the mindset that this is only a guy's issue, the longer we ignore all the girls that are silently struggling with this in isolation.