Myth Debunked: Men are more visual than women

It never ceases to amaze me the stories I'm told when I mention to someone, particularly a female, that I'm interested in sexuality. It's as if they don't have a friend to confide in and they know I won't judge them for what they're about to tell me.

Whatever their reasoning, I'm certainly not complaining. Besides making my life a heck of a lot more interesting,  it gives me additional experiences, besides simply my own, to use to debunk popular assumptions such as, "Men are more visual than women." But we can even break it down a bit more than that...

Women are fully capable of being visually attracted to a man's body.

Case in point.

Last week one of my co-workers and I got together for lunch. She is also a Christian and happened to graduate from the same small, private, liberal arts, Christian college that I attended. We hadn't known each other while in school and this lunch was the first time we had ever gotten together to talk. After I mentioned my interest in sexuality she proceeded to tell me that during her time in college, she was often distracted in one of her theology classes by her male professor's butt. She often had to remind herself throughout class to stop looking at it.

Women are fully capable of seeing an attractive man and objectifying him.

Here are just two examples from my own life:

1. Guy runs by with his shirt off, his body glistening with sweat. I find my eyes following him down the path. My mind jumps to all the things I could do to him if I could just reach out and touch him= man as sex toy.
2. Want to know why "Think Like a Man" is one of my favorite movies ever (besides Kevin Hart being hilarious of course)! Michael Ealy.

Enough said. And trust me, his eyes aren't the only parts of his body that are to die for. Do you know how badly I want to be Taraji Henson's character in that movie? Every day of my life! That may be a tad over dramatic, but probably not by much.

 Women are fully capable of replaying sexual fantasies or pornographic scenes in their minds.

One of my male friends recently told me that the first time he realized that women were as visual as men was when one of his female friends told him that she replayed movie scenes in her head while running. These movie scenes weren't erotic in any way. I guess he had taken the idea that women weren't visual to mean that we didn't have the ability to visualize images in our minds.

Now I don't know how other people interpret the idea that women aren't visual, but interpreting it in that way is certainly not true. And not only can we replay scenes we've watched or pull up pictures we've seen (both erotic and otherwise), we've also got a fantastic imagination. Just because I've never seen it, doesn't mean I can't watch it happen in my head.

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As human beings, male and female, we are all wired to notice and be attracted to beauty. With regards to our sexuality, we are all designed to be attracted to people we find physically attractive. I won't pretend to know how it works for you, but usually I notice someone is physically attractive because I see them. Just saying.

As Christians, we are called to live holy lives and this comes into play with how we deal with the visual stimulus around us. How do I react to my attraction to the half naked man running down my street? How do I react to the erotic image that just popped up in my head? The fact these things happen is part of our sexual nature. How we choose to react to them has to come from our understanding of what is means to live a holy life.

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Also, I don't want it to go unsaid that women can be physically aroused by visual stimulus. Don't assume we aren't or can't be. Carry on.

XXX

Tonight, my pastor, who's background is in youth ministry, looked me in the eyes and told me that porn is a guy's issue.

Back story:

This evening, I went to dinner at my pastor's house. While his wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, he filled me and the other couple who was in attendance about the youth conference that he and an associate pastor at the church are planning for next summer. He was really excited about a certain speaker who had just agreed to come and speak on sexuality. This man has done research on how pornography affects the brain and how it changes our perception of intimacy. He is going to do a session, just for the guys, about sexuality and pornography. The following day, he will be doing a session for all the youth regarding general sexuality. After telling us this, my pastor looked at me and said, "I guess he could do a session just for the girls, but porn is really just a guy's issue."

Now, I don't know what your opinion is on this matter, but here's mine: porn is just as much a girl's issue as it is a guy's issue. 

I know that my pastor had no idea that he was looking at a woman who had been addicted to porn for 8 years beginning at age 11. Part of me wonders if that would even change his perception of the issue. Maybe I would just be an anomaly to him.

And maybe it's true that porn was more of a guys issue in previous generations, but today 1 in 3 people who view porn online are women. This number has been growing over the past few years!

Even beyond this, the assumption that porn is only a guy's issue bothers me because it makes 2 big assumptions (among others):

1. A girl's sexual nature is "innocent"
2. A girl isn't as visual as a guy

It has these 2 big consequences (among others):

1. Shames and isolates girls as they internalize the belief that no other girl struggles with porn
2. Causes confusion as girls feel as though they are wired more like males 

I may get into those ideas further at a later date, but for now I'll leave it at that.

Porn runs rampant in our society today. I stumbled upon it accidentally on our home computer as a child. I know of junior high students whose friends have shown it to them while they were hanging out. Porn has to be dealt with not only by individual families, but also in community. I know that this is an issue that invokes a lot of shame, but the more we keep it a secret the more it eats individuals alive and tears families apart.

The point is that porn is an issue for males and females-- I would argue equally so. The longer we go on with the mindset that this is only a guy's issue, the longer we ignore all the girls that are silently struggling with this in isolation.

A Tale of Two Loves

I love youth ministry.

I've been involved in junior high ministry for the past 6 years and I don't regret a single day. I hold to my belief that this age- full of confusion, awkwardness, and crazy levels of energy- is the best age to work with!

This is the age when students begin to ask deeper questions about themselves, about the world, and about God. They begin changing, mentally, emotionally, and physically and processing these changes. And I have the privilege of living life with them each step of the way.

I also love sexuality.

I've been interested in sexuality for many years and, believe it or not, this topic is not handled very well by many youth ministries. Maybe this is because this topic isn't handled well by many churches...hmmmmm.

I'm currently reading a book by Lisa McMinn entitled, "Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World." Among other things, she talks about how adolescents (and most adults even) do not know how their sexuality fits into their every day lives. Is it possible to be a sexual being if you're not engaging in sex? (Why yes, it sure is)

The Church has the capacity to call people towards a higher view of sexuality- a more holistic view!  God created us as sexual beings! Our sexuality is a good thing.

Our discussions of sexuality should not be boiled down to sex or relationships and talked about once every year or every other year. If we seriously believe that this topic touches our everyday lives, we have to got to find ways of intentionally weaving it into discussions more often.

For those of us involved in youth ministry, what are we doing to guide our students in understanding their sexuality?
For those who have children, what are you doing to guide your children in this journey?

For all of us, do we understand our own individual sexuality and how it relates to those around us?

That's the first step.

#Impresario

Today was a great day! Two of my friends from college came up to visit and we ended up spending hours milling around Madison and sitting out on the lake.

Lake Monona

I brought up the topic of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life- or more specifically, not knowing the next step to take. I know what area I want to be in. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am all about sexuality and the Church. So now what? There aren't any well-developed graduate school programs dealing with sexuality as it has only recently become a hot topic. I don't know of any jobs that focus solely on sexuality and the Church (if you know of any, let me know!).

The more we talked, the more we realized that I do have an idea of where I want to go and what a next step could be. I have a few projects started, I've just never gone back to finish them. I'm too scared!

I know this is bigger than me. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to be in the middle of a controversial topic. I don't want to lose control of whatever kind of beast this will become.

One of my friends reminded me that God says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Even in those areas that I may feel weak, God has promised to remain faithful. He is waiting for me to step into the life He has for me. And let's just be real, it is ALL about Him to begin with.

Every moment I choose to live in fear and not step into the path God has set before me, I'm giving the evil one a small victory. God hasn't called me to live in fear!

So look out! because I have no idea what's comin'!

Amy, myself, and Keila

Quick shoutout to my girl, Keila! You should follow her on Twitter and check out her new project, Daddy Broke My Heart (Twitter), for all of us whose relationships with our dads were/are far from perfect.