XXX

Tonight, my pastor, who's background is in youth ministry, looked me in the eyes and told me that porn is a guy's issue.

Back story:

This evening, I went to dinner at my pastor's house. While his wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, he filled me and the other couple who was in attendance about the youth conference that he and an associate pastor at the church are planning for next summer. He was really excited about a certain speaker who had just agreed to come and speak on sexuality. This man has done research on how pornography affects the brain and how it changes our perception of intimacy. He is going to do a session, just for the guys, about sexuality and pornography. The following day, he will be doing a session for all the youth regarding general sexuality. After telling us this, my pastor looked at me and said, "I guess he could do a session just for the girls, but porn is really just a guy's issue."

Now, I don't know what your opinion is on this matter, but here's mine: porn is just as much a girl's issue as it is a guy's issue. 

I know that my pastor had no idea that he was looking at a woman who had been addicted to porn for 8 years beginning at age 11. Part of me wonders if that would even change his perception of the issue. Maybe I would just be an anomaly to him.

And maybe it's true that porn was more of a guys issue in previous generations, but today 1 in 3 people who view porn online are women. This number has been growing over the past few years!

Even beyond this, the assumption that porn is only a guy's issue bothers me because it makes 2 big assumptions (among others):

1. A girl's sexual nature is "innocent"
2. A girl isn't as visual as a guy

It has these 2 big consequences (among others):

1. Shames and isolates girls as they internalize the belief that no other girl struggles with porn
2. Causes confusion as girls feel as though they are wired more like males 

I may get into those ideas further at a later date, but for now I'll leave it at that.

Porn runs rampant in our society today. I stumbled upon it accidentally on our home computer as a child. I know of junior high students whose friends have shown it to them while they were hanging out. Porn has to be dealt with not only by individual families, but also in community. I know that this is an issue that invokes a lot of shame, but the more we keep it a secret the more it eats individuals alive and tears families apart.

The point is that porn is an issue for males and females-- I would argue equally so. The longer we go on with the mindset that this is only a guy's issue, the longer we ignore all the girls that are silently struggling with this in isolation.

A Tale of Two Loves

I love youth ministry.

I've been involved in junior high ministry for the past 6 years and I don't regret a single day. I hold to my belief that this age- full of confusion, awkwardness, and crazy levels of energy- is the best age to work with!

This is the age when students begin to ask deeper questions about themselves, about the world, and about God. They begin changing, mentally, emotionally, and physically and processing these changes. And I have the privilege of living life with them each step of the way.

I also love sexuality.

I've been interested in sexuality for many years and, believe it or not, this topic is not handled very well by many youth ministries. Maybe this is because this topic isn't handled well by many churches...hmmmmm.

I'm currently reading a book by Lisa McMinn entitled, "Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World." Among other things, she talks about how adolescents (and most adults even) do not know how their sexuality fits into their every day lives. Is it possible to be a sexual being if you're not engaging in sex? (Why yes, it sure is)

The Church has the capacity to call people towards a higher view of sexuality- a more holistic view!  God created us as sexual beings! Our sexuality is a good thing.

Our discussions of sexuality should not be boiled down to sex or relationships and talked about once every year or every other year. If we seriously believe that this topic touches our everyday lives, we have to got to find ways of intentionally weaving it into discussions more often.

For those of us involved in youth ministry, what are we doing to guide our students in understanding their sexuality?
For those who have children, what are you doing to guide your children in this journey?

For all of us, do we understand our own individual sexuality and how it relates to those around us?

That's the first step.