We Teach Life, Sir

If you're not aware of what has been going on in Gaza and Israel this week, go get yourself caught up. Then watch the spoken word piece below by a Palestinian woman. 

While listening to this poem, I was surprised by how much I felt for these people- Israelis and Palestinians alike. I was pleasantly surprised. Mourning for the loss of life overseas made me feel human. 

I can't even imagine what it would be like to grow up or live in an area where bombs are consistently going off. Even, in the USA there are children who live in places where gunshots are what they fall asleep to every night. The violence and hatred in our world is insane. 

Regardless of how you feel about the situation, allow this piece to move you. We are all human. We should all be teaching life. 

Internalized Racism

Being biracial (black and white) can be difficult. You know what is even more difficult? Having biracial siblings.

Most of my life has consisted of re-learning the lesson that no one else thinks like me. This includes members of my own immediate family, who grew up in relatively the same environment as I did.

At times, the ways in which this lesson is reiterated can be extreme.

A few weeks ago, one of my siblings visited me in Madison. It seemed as though every other thing that came out of his mouth was some joke about a racial stereotype or prejudice about people of color. Black people. Asians. Latinos. On and on and on.

None of them were racist, per se, and I never responded to any of them, but I didn't like it. They weren't amusing to me.

The kicker came on Sunday.

We were walking back from church. There was a group of 4 black male college students walking down one of the streets. Now Madison is a pretty white city, 85%, and the downtown area is particularly white so it is a pretty rare occurrence to see any people of color.

My brother of course pointed it out- "You never see black people by themselves. They're always together."

Okay, sure, whatever, I thought. But I'm pretty competitive and I like to prove people wrong, so on the next block when I saw one black male college student walking by himself on the other side of the street, I naturally had to point it out. This black male student just happened to be walking a few yards behind a single (as in there was one) white female student.

My brother glanced across the street and said, "He's probably gonna rape her."

I didn't even know what to do. I was in complete shock. I stopped dead in my tracks on the sidewalk and I looked at him, probably with my mouth hanging wide open.

In that moment, all I wanted to do was curse him out. He should have been grateful that he was my little brother and not my peer.

As a black person, I was offended.
As someone with a black father, I was offended.
As a freaking human being, I was offended.

How, as a black person, could he say something like that? That student is our cousin, our other brother, our father 20 years ago!

Negative and racist stereotypes about black men had been fed to my brother, who is a black man, and he just spits them right back out as jokes!?

What does it say about the society we live in when a person (a minority) can say something offensive that criminalizes themselves, their brother, their father, and half their family and not think anything of it?

A Friendly Reminder

The more I talk with girls and women who are dealing with porn addictions the more upset I get (and that is putting it nicely). The destruction that an addiction causes to someone’s life is huge and so painful to witness. The hopelessness in their voice and their perceived isolation haunts me. I remember that. 7 years ago really isn’t all that distant in my memory.

Recently, I was made aware of a woman’s experience that is probably far too common. When she was in high school, she told a few of her closest friends, women who attended her church, that she was addicted to pornography and masturbation. After her initial disclosure, they never talked about it again. Her friends never brought it up, never mentioned it, and for all practical intents and purposes went on living as though she had never said a word about it to them. To this day, some 6 years later, she is still in the midst of these addictions.

To those of you who have had a friend tell you that they struggle with porn or masturbation and have chosen to ignore the subject, STOP IT. The worst thing as an addict is when you somehow muster up the courage to tell someone about your shameful, dirty secret life and they act as though you’d never told them. To me that’s worse than someone telling you to “just stop” looking at porn or masturbating. At least they are acknowledging that you shared your struggle with them even though they aren’t doing it in a helpful or effective way.

I understand that it may be uncomfortable for you when your friend tells you about their addiction. If you don’t know what to say or how to best support them, find something or someone who can help you help them! There are books and online resources to read and pastors and counselors for you to reach out to.

Most girls going through an addiction don't want to tell their friends because they don't want to burden them with their problems. By ignoring them or being silent about the issue you are affirming that idea.  

Let this be your friendly reminder: don’t notice your friend is drowning and choose to look the other way.

 

 

Pregnancy Scare

A few nights ago a girl I mentored a few summers ago, who is now a senior in high school, sent me a text out of the blue. She was afraid that she was pregnant. 

She is physically sick from anxiety. 

She hasn't slept in days.  

She feels alone.

She is a terrified girl who may be forced to move from childhood to adulthood at too young an age. She potentially faces a future of having to bear more responsibility than she should have to by herself.

Sex, pregnancies, and bearing children are things that God intended to be good, and yet, we have twisted all of them. The possibility of pregnancy shouldn't cause fear.

In that moment I couldn't help but think of what a messed up world we live in. We have taken three of God’s beautiful gifts and so violently skewed them to the point that they now cause us unnecessary distress, hardship, and pain.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Myth Debunked: Men are more visual than women

It never ceases to amaze me the stories I'm told when I mention to someone, particularly a female, that I'm interested in sexuality. It's as if they don't have a friend to confide in and they know I won't judge them for what they're about to tell me.

Whatever their reasoning, I'm certainly not complaining. Besides making my life a heck of a lot more interesting,  it gives me additional experiences, besides simply my own, to use to debunk popular assumptions such as, "Men are more visual than women." But we can even break it down a bit more than that...

Women are fully capable of being visually attracted to a man's body.

Case in point.

Last week one of my co-workers and I got together for lunch. She is also a Christian and happened to graduate from the same small, private, liberal arts, Christian college that I attended. We hadn't known each other while in school and this lunch was the first time we had ever gotten together to talk. After I mentioned my interest in sexuality she proceeded to tell me that during her time in college, she was often distracted in one of her theology classes by her male professor's butt. She often had to remind herself throughout class to stop looking at it.

Women are fully capable of seeing an attractive man and objectifying him.

Here are just two examples from my own life:

1. Guy runs by with his shirt off, his body glistening with sweat. I find my eyes following him down the path. My mind jumps to all the things I could do to him if I could just reach out and touch him= man as sex toy.
2. Want to know why "Think Like a Man" is one of my favorite movies ever (besides Kevin Hart being hilarious of course)! Michael Ealy.

Enough said. And trust me, his eyes aren't the only parts of his body that are to die for. Do you know how badly I want to be Taraji Henson's character in that movie? Every day of my life! That may be a tad over dramatic, but probably not by much.

 Women are fully capable of replaying sexual fantasies or pornographic scenes in their minds.

One of my male friends recently told me that the first time he realized that women were as visual as men was when one of his female friends told him that she replayed movie scenes in her head while running. These movie scenes weren't erotic in any way. I guess he had taken the idea that women weren't visual to mean that we didn't have the ability to visualize images in our minds.

Now I don't know how other people interpret the idea that women aren't visual, but interpreting it in that way is certainly not true. And not only can we replay scenes we've watched or pull up pictures we've seen (both erotic and otherwise), we've also got a fantastic imagination. Just because I've never seen it, doesn't mean I can't watch it happen in my head.

----------

As human beings, male and female, we are all wired to notice and be attracted to beauty. With regards to our sexuality, we are all designed to be attracted to people we find physically attractive. I won't pretend to know how it works for you, but usually I notice someone is physically attractive because I see them. Just saying.

As Christians, we are called to live holy lives and this comes into play with how we deal with the visual stimulus around us. How do I react to my attraction to the half naked man running down my street? How do I react to the erotic image that just popped up in my head? The fact these things happen is part of our sexual nature. How we choose to react to them has to come from our understanding of what is means to live a holy life.

----------

Also, I don't want it to go unsaid that women can be physically aroused by visual stimulus. Don't assume we aren't or can't be. Carry on.

What's the Point

Sometimes I have existential crises.

I ask questions such as,

             "What's the meaning of life?"

and 

             "What's my purpose?"

My purpose is to glorify God and to be in relationship with him. How?

By being a testimony to the redeeming work he has done in my life. How?

By using my past experiences to help others through their present experiences and pointing them to the One who has seen me through. I remember when I realized this during my addiction. I was at my lowest and that idea gave me hope.

Hope that what I was going through would not be purposeless. That I was not just suffering to suffer.

Hope that God could redeem my story and use my pain to bring hope and healing to the lives of others.  

I decided that when, not if, I was free of my bondage I would share the amazing work God had done in my life. How could I not?

God is in the business of redemption. He wants to redeem you. your life. your story. 

And when you experience His redemption, how can you not share it?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.                                                 2 Corinthians 1:3,4 

Breaking the Cycle

It's amazing how God causes you to cross paths with people with whom you share similar struggles. A few weeks ago I had the privilege of reconnecting with a friend and she shared with me her struggle with pornography. I had told her about my 8 year struggle with porn 2 years ago, and now she was at a place where she felt comfortable talking about her's.

In talking with her, she asked me for any advice I had to help her stop the addiction and curb the desire. Whenever someone asks me that question, my first thought is always: how long do I have to talk?! After struggling with this for a good portion of my life I have the potential of going on and on and on...

Since I have now answered that very question for numerous people, I thought I would publicly share my general tips. **Disclaimer: I'm aware that this issue affects males and females differently, so please take these tips in context.

1. You won't stop until you want to- that may sound obvious, but it's the truth. There were many times early on in those 8 years that I said I wanted to quit, but inside I knew I didn't really want to. I hadn't hit rock bottom yet and there seemed to be no other alternative coping methods. 
2. Tell someone- short, sweet, and simple. Accountability is the name of the game. 
3. Discover the triggers- why do you look at porn? Is it because you're lonely? Because you  desire emotional intimacy? Ultimately, handling the why will offer the greatest freedom.  Counseling helps with this a lot. DO.IT. 
4. Recognize the setting- when and where do you look at porn?  Is it at night? In the afternoon? After you've watched an overly sexual movie or TV show? In your bedroom? At school? If it's something you can avoid, do so! Paul says run from sexual immorality! (1 Corinth. 6:18) I no longer take that lightly. 
5. Pray over spaces- if you know you struggle with porn in your bed at night then pray over your bedroom and bed before you get in it. And by golly get others to pray too! 
6. Declare truth out loud- this is both for yourself and the enemy. I am a firm believer of speaking things into existence. The biggest one for me was that "I am worth saving." I struggled a lot with my value before God because of my shame during the addiction.
7. Don't focus on trying not to think about it- because in a round about way, you are thinking about it. Instead, actively think about something else. Discover and pursue the passions that God has given you! Actively think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and/or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). 
8. Remind yourself of God's faithfulness and power- the way I chose to do this was by writing down verses on index cards that were particularly meaningful to me and posting them all over my door so I had to look at them before I left my room in the morning. I also suggest  writing things on mirrors. 
9. Keep your computer in a public space- let's just be super practical for a moment. Don't allow yourself to be alone with your computer. 
10. Have a filter- when I was 11, the internet had just become popular and there weren't many (if any) filters or even pop-up blockers. Now there are. Use them. A great free one is called Blue Coat K9 Web Protection. I use it. It's pretty boss. 

While these are all nice, strategic, offensive things to do to combat the struggle with porn, it is crucial that you remember that you are not going to save yourself. Sorry.

My journey through my addiction was what turned me into a Holy Spirit lovin' Christian! When I realized in 10th grade that it was only through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me that I had any hope of regaining "control" of my life, everything changed. I switched from the losing team to the winning team and I haven't looked back since. 

While this may make my road to recovery look simple and smooth, it certainly wasn't and temptation is still there. In the midst of all the turmoil never forget that you are a beloved child of God and that the battle is already won. 

Fear is not from God

Remind yourself of truth.

XXX

Tonight, my pastor, who's background is in youth ministry, looked me in the eyes and told me that porn is a guy's issue.

Back story:

This evening, I went to dinner at my pastor's house. While his wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, he filled me and the other couple who was in attendance about the youth conference that he and an associate pastor at the church are planning for next summer. He was really excited about a certain speaker who had just agreed to come and speak on sexuality. This man has done research on how pornography affects the brain and how it changes our perception of intimacy. He is going to do a session, just for the guys, about sexuality and pornography. The following day, he will be doing a session for all the youth regarding general sexuality. After telling us this, my pastor looked at me and said, "I guess he could do a session just for the girls, but porn is really just a guy's issue."

Now, I don't know what your opinion is on this matter, but here's mine: porn is just as much a girl's issue as it is a guy's issue. 

I know that my pastor had no idea that he was looking at a woman who had been addicted to porn for 8 years beginning at age 11. Part of me wonders if that would even change his perception of the issue. Maybe I would just be an anomaly to him.

And maybe it's true that porn was more of a guys issue in previous generations, but today 1 in 3 people who view porn online are women. This number has been growing over the past few years!

Even beyond this, the assumption that porn is only a guy's issue bothers me because it makes 2 big assumptions (among others):

1. A girl's sexual nature is "innocent"
2. A girl isn't as visual as a guy

It has these 2 big consequences (among others):

1. Shames and isolates girls as they internalize the belief that no other girl struggles with porn
2. Causes confusion as girls feel as though they are wired more like males 

I may get into those ideas further at a later date, but for now I'll leave it at that.

Porn runs rampant in our society today. I stumbled upon it accidentally on our home computer as a child. I know of junior high students whose friends have shown it to them while they were hanging out. Porn has to be dealt with not only by individual families, but also in community. I know that this is an issue that invokes a lot of shame, but the more we keep it a secret the more it eats individuals alive and tears families apart.

The point is that porn is an issue for males and females-- I would argue equally so. The longer we go on with the mindset that this is only a guy's issue, the longer we ignore all the girls that are silently struggling with this in isolation.

A Tale of Two Loves

I love youth ministry.

I've been involved in junior high ministry for the past 6 years and I don't regret a single day. I hold to my belief that this age- full of confusion, awkwardness, and crazy levels of energy- is the best age to work with!

This is the age when students begin to ask deeper questions about themselves, about the world, and about God. They begin changing, mentally, emotionally, and physically and processing these changes. And I have the privilege of living life with them each step of the way.

I also love sexuality.

I've been interested in sexuality for many years and, believe it or not, this topic is not handled very well by many youth ministries. Maybe this is because this topic isn't handled well by many churches...hmmmmm.

I'm currently reading a book by Lisa McMinn entitled, "Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World." Among other things, she talks about how adolescents (and most adults even) do not know how their sexuality fits into their every day lives. Is it possible to be a sexual being if you're not engaging in sex? (Why yes, it sure is)

The Church has the capacity to call people towards a higher view of sexuality- a more holistic view!  God created us as sexual beings! Our sexuality is a good thing.

Our discussions of sexuality should not be boiled down to sex or relationships and talked about once every year or every other year. If we seriously believe that this topic touches our everyday lives, we have to got to find ways of intentionally weaving it into discussions more often.

For those of us involved in youth ministry, what are we doing to guide our students in understanding their sexuality?
For those who have children, what are you doing to guide your children in this journey?

For all of us, do we understand our own individual sexuality and how it relates to those around us?

That's the first step.

Truth & Mystery

Living in Moments

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

I've seen quotes like this ever since I can remember. Life is about the here and now. It's about the moments, so make every moment count. On and on and on.

This idea sounded nice, but didn't make much sense to me- practically speaking. I had to focus on graduating high school with a decent enough GPA and enough AP classes to get me into a competitive liberal arts school. All this while maintaining my participation in lots of different extracurricular activities to prove that I was well rounded, yet unique and passionate about a few specific areas.

And I sure did get into a competitive liberal arts college. Then I had to focus on choosing a major that was marketable in the "real world,"  obtaining at least 2 internships, holding multiple student leadership positions, and planning what I was going to do after I walked across that stage.

Now that I've successfully completed undergrad and acquired full-time employment, I have accomplished all that was required of me.

Now what?

Life on the other side of the classes and homework seems like one long blob of time that is not nicely and neatly packaged into defined periods. I don't need to move out of my apartment in May. I don't need to know where I want to be in four years when this phase of school ends.

My life is an open book for me to shape and divide as I like. To me, it's actually quite intimidating. But with this realization I was struck by the truth behind all those sayings about moments.

I am no longer distracted by the future or by planning for the next section of life. For the time being I am effectively in the last known section. I'm sure this will change if I get married or have children, but for right now this is my reality until further notice.

And it's great! The thought that whatever I choose to do this very moment is shaping my life and the direction it could go is so freeing and marvelous! Inhibitions are lost and adventures wait around every corner. Go take your moments and live an adventure!

"The spur of the moment is the essence of adventure." -- Anthony Armstrong-Jones

The Beginning of Knowledge

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7

Based on the contents of my last post, it may be fairly obvious that I am in desperate need of wisdom and have been seeking discernment on where to go next in my life.

Enter God.

While in college, I attended Willow Creek Community Church and, even though I no longer live in the Chicago area, I still try to watch the sermons via the internet or listen to a podcast. The leadership there has decided to do a series on Proverbs. 11 weeks in the book that is saturated in wisdom for the purpose of discernment, among other things!

When I heard that 2 weeks ago, all I could think was "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! Let's do this!"

In other words, "What perfect timing."

I have decided that I will read the book of Proverbs in conjunction with the series at Willow. Honestly my intake of Scripture has been sparse at best over these past few months. I can't think of a better way to get myself back into the necessary habit and spiritual discipline of mediating on the Word.

As I begin my journey in Proverbs, three themes identified in the first seven verses of the book stand out to me. The book seeks to:

           1. Help you understand that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
                     
                       2. Help you be discerning and get guidance 

                               3.  Help you acquire a disciplined life

In his first sermon in this series, Hybels alluded to a question in the text that hit home for me.

"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?"  Proverbs 1:22

Something about our fallen human condition drives us to scorn wisdom and knowledge. We find delight in the frivolous and the shallow. Proverbs chapter one verse thirty-two warns that the "waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them."

How seriously do we take these warnings?
How many of us are willingly walking down a path that is leading us to destruction?

As I continue on this journey, I am expectant of the ways the Holy Spirit will move in my life. I anticipate His guidance and direction. I long for wisdom and discernment.

God, may I seek after wisdom recognizing that you are it's source.
                               

                                       

I Am Jonah

While talking to a friend last night she asked me why I kept running from what God had for me. I told her, I was going to keep running until I ended up in the belly of a fish.

Current Location: In the belly of a really big fish.

Why I thought it was a good idea to challenge God is beyond me.

The question rolling around in my head for the past couple of weeks has been, "Why did I do this to myself?"

I knew that taking the job I currently have wasn't what I was passionate about. Yet I took it anyway. At first I thought I would stay for 3 to 5 years. Shortly after I started, I knocked that time frame down to 2 to3. After almost 3 months, I'm questioning whether I'm even going to make it to the year mark.

Why?

It's not because I'm not good at my job.
It's not because I work for an awful company.
It's not because I have horrid coworkers.
It's not because I hate the city I live in.
It's not because I haven't made friends.

It's because it's not what I'm passionate about. It's not what I'm designed to do. It's not where God has called me.

Want to know the sad thing about all of this? I knew all of those things before I moved in June.

God even gave me opportunities to pursue what he has made me passionate about and I turned and walked 180 degrees in the other direction! And for what? To make my parents happy? For a bigger paycheck? To prove something to myself? Because people told me I could do "more than that?"

All I have succefully achieved is making myself miserable.
This is not who I am. This is not where I belong. This is not where God has called me to be.

Have you ever run from God?
What was your experience?
What is your Nineveh?

Being Biracial: A Rant

Today I went to get my new Wisconsin driver's license. I left work 30 minutes early to get their before it closed. The drive over was nice- no rush hour traffic yet. The DMV was surprisingly efficient. It took me less than 10 minutes to sign in, have my picture taken, and get called up by one of the clerks. I would have said it was the best experience I had ever had in a DMV!

This perfect reality came to a screeching halt all because of  a .5 inch square box.

On the license application was a small box titled, "Race." Now, as a biracial individual and having had to fill out my race on multiple forms throughout my life, I am very much aware that this is not a simple task. Everyone has their own terminology they want you to use to indicate that you're simply multiracial. For me, that means I am White and Black.

Choose one:
    "Other"
    "Multiracial"
    "Biracial"
Choose multiple:
    "AA/Black"
    "White"
    "Asian"
    "Native American/Pacific Islander"
    "Hispanic"

I was fairly certain that those were the only options out there, but I needed to know which one this institution wanted me to answer with. They didn't have a nice list on the form, so I had to ask:

Me: "What are the options for race?"
Clerk: "White, Black, Asian, or Hispanic"
Me: "Well, I'm biracial. What do I put if I'm biracial?"
Clerk: "We actually don't have an option for that..."
Me: "So I can put two?"
**awkward silence**
Me: "So I have to choose one?"

Well, let me tell you. My entire perfect experience at the DMV went up in flames! How, in 2012, on an official government document, in the United States of America, is a multiracial person not able to correctly identify themselves! There is no way I am the only multiracial person up in this state! If I am, someone please tell me cause I have got to go!

When is America going to wake up and realize that it really is the melting pot that it was designed to be! Not only are all people not White anymore, people aren't just once race anymore either! It wasn't until 2000 that we could even self-identify as Multiracial on the Census!

Multiracial people were the fastest growing racial group in 2009! That was 3 years ago. At that point 5.2 million of us self-identified according to Census polls. The number of multiracial children is growing even faster. In 2011, the number jumped 50% to 4.2 million multiracial children!

Change is happening, and in a lot of ways, change is already here.
How are we going to handle it?
How are you?


Side note: I put White on the form, but I did contemplate putting "Black." However, I thought that that might cause lots of unnecessary issues with airport security.

#Impresario

Today was a great day! Two of my friends from college came up to visit and we ended up spending hours milling around Madison and sitting out on the lake.

Lake Monona

I brought up the topic of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life- or more specifically, not knowing the next step to take. I know what area I want to be in. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am all about sexuality and the Church. So now what? There aren't any well-developed graduate school programs dealing with sexuality as it has only recently become a hot topic. I don't know of any jobs that focus solely on sexuality and the Church (if you know of any, let me know!).

The more we talked, the more we realized that I do have an idea of where I want to go and what a next step could be. I have a few projects started, I've just never gone back to finish them. I'm too scared!

I know this is bigger than me. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to be in the middle of a controversial topic. I don't want to lose control of whatever kind of beast this will become.

One of my friends reminded me that God says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Even in those areas that I may feel weak, God has promised to remain faithful. He is waiting for me to step into the life He has for me. And let's just be real, it is ALL about Him to begin with.

Every moment I choose to live in fear and not step into the path God has set before me, I'm giving the evil one a small victory. God hasn't called me to live in fear!

So look out! because I have no idea what's comin'!

Amy, myself, and Keila

Quick shoutout to my girl, Keila! You should follow her on Twitter and check out her new project, Daddy Broke My Heart (Twitter), for all of us whose relationships with our dads were/are far from perfect.

Injustice: Where Is God?

On Saturday evening I was invited to watch The Shawshank Redemption with a group for the purpose of discussing it in light of our Christian faith afterwards. If you haven't seen the movie, it is possible that I will spoil it for you through this post so stop reading now if you so desire.

The movie is about two main characters who are in prison together- one is innocent and one is guilty. Both were convicted for murder. Beyond the stories of these two men and their friendship, the movie gives a very bleak (I would argue fairly realistic) picture of the USA's justice system.

The obvious example is that Andy gets convicted of murdering his wife and her lover and gets two life sentences even though he's innocent. It gets worse from there. The prisoners aren't treated as human beings and their dignity and identities are stripped from them. They are physically beaten by the top guard- one man loses the use of his legs and another dies after having to wait until the morning to see the doctor in the infirmary because he had already gone home.

What was perhaps most infuriating to me was every ten years the men get a release hearing in which they are asked if they feel they have been "rehabilitated." At that point in the movie I was ready to throw something. I was just thinking, "how dare they!"

How dare they ask them if they have been rehabilitated by this convoluted, twisted, unjust system! 

Many of God's prophets in the Old Testament speak on justice and it is addressed by Jesus in the New  Testament as well. And yet as I sat in that discussion after the movie, not one person mentioned it.

Maybe it's my sociological understanding and view of the world. I tend to see structures before individuals and I'm more critical of systems. But, I would also like to think it's my belief that my God is a God of justice.

In fact, the hardest part of believing in God for me is trying to understand where he is in injustice. Why does he let it happen? People are stuck in these systems. People are dying in these systems.

How are we, as Christians, letting it happen?
Are we ignoring it? Do we not see it?
Do we spend so much time in our safe little circles that we miss the hurting and the oppressed?

I don't know. All I know is, now is the time to open our eyes.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices-mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law-justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former." Matthew 23:23 

"This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place." Jeremiah 22:3

Quotes of the Week

I love quotes. Love them. Here a couple I picked up this week that I thought I'd share.

         Enjoy.
             Think.

"Why do people go through tough transitions? Because they have hope. They have hope that there is something better on the other side." 

How confident are you in your hope?  

"As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates other." - Marianne Williamson

Be free. 

My Greatest Desire: Freedom

Freedom.

It's such a loaded word. In the USA we like to think we're free...free to be whoever we want, free to voice our opinions, free to worship as we choose, etc. People have and will continue to fight and die for our freedoms, but how free are we really? Not even just as citizens of the United States of America, but as human beings. 

My desire and love of freedom comes from two distinct places in my life: 1. my fear of being trapped and 2. my experience of being in bondage to an addiction. I've explained the first in a previous post and I'm sure there will be more to come on the latter.

The verse at the top of my page, or in the inserted graphic, is my life verse. John 3:8.
To me, it is a perfect image of freedom.

God has given all of his followers the gift of the Holy Spirit, who seals our salvation and serves as our guide (among other things) in life. As we grow deeper in our knowledge, understanding, and relationship with God, we become more like Him and more like the person He has created us to be. This gives us the freedom to blow wherever we please, just like the wind- without an obvious place of origin or destination.

Some of my favorite things about my freedom in Christ are that...

• I'm free to explore the desires and passions God has given me with reckless abandon. 
• I'm free to fail and not be "successful."
• I'm free to follow the Spirit's guidance even if I don't know the big picture yet.
• I'm free to make choices that do not make sense to you or to anybody else. 

What are some of yours?
Are you experiencing true freedom?
What is keeping you from it?

Turn Your Sexy On!

Today I read this blog post entitled: "Ask A Married Woman: How Did You Go From Virgin To Sexy And Seductive."  If you're a single woman (or perhaps a curious married one) and you haven't read this yet, doooo it! These are the types of things I like to talk about. 

I've often complained about the way that most girls get brought up in the Evangelical Church. Don't seduce guys. Don't wear revealing clothes. Don't be sexy. You're a girl, you don't have sexual desires- those are reserved for guys. Because of this, I have often wondered,  "How do they expect me to turn the switch on when I get married?!"

Now that I've worked my way past this, sometimes I take it upon myself to "fix" this in other people.
(We'll leave the value judgement of my actions for a later time)

There's something you should know about me: I very, very, very rarely ever feel awkward.
I have been known to sit in silence right next to a person for hours.
I have also been known to make people say rather awkward things out loud, or at least what they perceive as awkward.

My friend reminded me of an incident like this a couple of months ago.  Last summer we worked together at a program for high school students as resident assistants (RAs). I was known as the resident sexuality enthusiast and she was known for being, lets say, "sexually shy." About 2 or 3 weeks into our time together that summer she went shopping with me for the food for the week.

As we drove, I was asking her a lot of questions about her life and her past and we naturally got on the topic of sexuality (it always seems to happen). I decided that right then and there she was going to start the journey to sexual freedom and comfortability! It was kind of audacious of me, but she had willingly agreed to trap herself in this car with me for the duration of the trip so...

The way she remembers it, I had her yell, "I AM SEXY," many times in my car. I don't know if that's completely true. I don't recall anyone yelling anything! I did have her say it a few times in the car and then I told her she had to look at herself in the mirror everyday and say it 5 times. She also claimed that I scarred her, which is false! You should know that 1 year later we are close friends and she is doing just fine! She won't voluntarily say "I am sexy" yet, but she will say "I look good." That's one step closer in my book =)

Moral of the story: If you're also "sexually shy" (and want to stay that way), pray I never meet you.

But for real: Turn your SEXY on! And be okay with it =)

What are some ways that you turn your sexy on in your everyday life? 

What Are You Afraid Of?

My last post nicely provided a segue into this topic of fear. As a kid I shared some of the typical childhood fears such as being scared of the dark, thunder, and silverfish (yup, they're gross). I'm beyond thankful that in the past few years of my life I've been able to shake all of those fears...but there is one I'm still holding on to.

I am terrified of being trapped. 

The thought of being stuck or contained emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally literally makes me nauseous. I think the explanation of this fear is that in being trapped I experience a(n)...

                                  loss of control,
                                          inability to escape, 
                                                  and ultimately, powerlessness.

Needless to say this causes some conflict in my life. The first area that comes to mind for me is always marriage. I'm going to be stuck with the same person forever! That just sounds awful. I can't even stand to have only one group of friends or live with the people I hang out with...how am I going to date and then marry and then live with the same person without getting tired of him?!

(Before you get too concerned, I've been debriefing my thoughts and feelings on the topic of marriage for a few years now and I'm gotten my feelings of shear terror down to only slight apprehension. God is good and merciful.)

The other example that has popped up recently has to do with physical location. Now that I'm out of school for the moment and have my own apartment and job, I'm terrified of being stuck in Madison forever! And what's worse is I only get 10 days of vacation! I'm never going to be able to travel! I've been known to go places on the spur of the moment and now I'm unable to. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THIS.

This weekend, the speaker at church taught from the story of Jonah and told us that the places we don't want to go are examples of us saying "no" to God. I realized that there aren't places I wouldn't go, but there plenty of places I wouldn't want to stay. Namely, all of them. My fear isn't of God telling me to go somewhere, but of God telling me to stay somewhere.

However, I recognize that as a Christian, I'm not called to live a life of fear or of being trapped. I am called to a life of glorious freedom. (John 8:31-36)


I have experienced the freedom in going many times in my life. I have not yet discovered the freedom in staying. I pray that God will show me. 

What are you afraid of?
Why are you afraid of it?
Where would you never want to go or stay?

Confessional: Modesty & Pride

Since I've been writing on this topic of modesty for the past 2 days, I thought I would sum up this mini series with a post about how this idea of modesty led to deep sin in my life.

Pride has always been a struggle for me. Most likely because I'm relatively quiet and reserved, people often view me as this humble, sweet, put together person. But really I'm just prideful. That's it. And I have good reason to be...I follow all the rules, I think before I speak, I'm disciplined, and above all I understand that bikinis are immodest and thus should not be worn by Christians. Fact.

I mean really, how much more straightforward do you want God to be? I had always despised people putting words in God's mouth and yet here I was doing that very thing. Conveniently, Scripture has a passage for the in Matthew:

These verses hit home for me because of my self-righteous tendencies. It's so much easier to look at the obvious mistakes others are making (or appear to be making) and avoid introspectively examining our own hearts or dealing with our own pain. By focusing on condemning others because of their choice of swim attire, I was completely avoiding addressing the hurt that I was experiencing with regards to this topic. 

It also allows us to avoid our fears. What was I afraid of? That I wasn't a good enough Christian. I reckoned that these girls who were bikini clad had to be worse Christians than I was, thus making me a step higher on the Christian hierarchy. All I have to say is, good thing there's not one of those! 

Praise God that He is gracious and that even in the midst of my sin He loves me and still bestows upon me His mercy and freedom! 

In what areas are you prideful or self-righteous? 

In clinging so tightly to your pride, what are you hiding or avoiding? 

What are you afraid of?

Modesty: A Definition

I really should have given this post a different title because there will be no clean cut definition of modesty given here. But, if you would like to read my musings feel free...

As I mentioned yesterday, I believe that modesty has very little to do with the clothes one chooses to wear. I do think that can play a part, but lets be real, the underlying motives of your choices and actions are what's really important. My choice to dress "modestly" most of my life was fueled by the idea that my body was hurting the men around me and that it was my duty to protect them. Ehh, wrong! All that caused was pain for me and pain for others.

As Christians, our motive should always be to serve God and to draw others towards him through love. In doing so we have to recognize that although we are totally unworthy of the grace He has bestowed upon us, we have been adopted into His family and are His children- justified and perfect in His sight.

That being said, the way we live should radiate from that. This leads me to some of my favorite passages on "modest" living, found in Proverbs.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (1). Put away perversity from your mouth, keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil (2,3). Proverbs 4: 23-27 

She is clothed with strength and dignity (4,5); she can laugh at the days to come (6). She speaks with wisdom (7), and faithful instruction is on her tongue (8).  Proverbs 31: 25, 26

Here are my takeaways:

1. Don't become emotionally attached to people who aren't your spouse/significant other or friend...most people would say particularly members of the opposite sex and in most circumstances, I tend to agree. 
2. Pursue God wholeheartedly and keep yourself focused on Him.
3. Figure out what you're passionate about and do it! 
4. Live a life that is honorable- one of integrity and authenticity. (i.e. don't gossip, mislead, hang all over guys, flirt with every guy you see...you get the point) 
5. Carry yourself like you are somebody! After all, you are a child of the most high God. 
6. Don't take yourself too seriously. (I for real need help with this one!)
7. Ask God for wisdom and discernment and use it! 
8. Don't shy away from being an example to others...realize that people are always watching you. 

Ultimately, I want people to understand the immense amount of freedom that is ours because of Christ's sacrifice, even in living modestly, and I would venture to say because of it! I would encourage you not to apply modesty to one area of your life, such as the clothes you wear or the things you say or the way you interact with members of the opposite sex, but really integrate it into the person you are. Can you tell I'm a fan of holistic and integrated living?!

I think that immodest living often comes from pursuing things that can only be ours through Christ. Things like acceptance, unconditional love, significance, peace, and joy. Even freedom. Evaluate your motives. Where is your heart? What are you really searching for?

Have any thoughts on modest living or any favorite verses on the subject? I'd love to hear them!

Modesty: What's In A Word?

Answer: A whole hell of a lot! As I mentioned in my intro post, I grew up in an Evangelical home attending an Evangelical church and thus I learned from an early age that modesty was of the utmost importance. In fact, girls should take it upon themselves to protect their seemingly powerless brothers in Christ from the temptation and sin of lust! We do this by following three simple guidelines:

1. No tight jeans/short skirts!
2. No cleavage! (i.e. must wear color coordinated tank top under V-neck/low cut shirt at all times)
3. Absolutely NO BIKINIS!

Let me be the first to tell you that training girls like this is harmful in so many ways. For me it produced a kind of self-hatred. I didn't realize this until a few months ago when reading another blog on this topic. As an adolescent girl I always felt like I didn't have any body image issues. My nose wasn't too small, my lips and ears weren't too big, my hair wasn't the wrong color, and I loved food too much to stop eating it!

But I did have issues. My face was too beautiful and body was too attractive. Every time someone told me how pretty I was I cringed inside. Every time a guy looked at me in that way I felt like I was letting them down. There were even multiple times that I asked God why he made me look like this!? 

So for all those people who consistently ask me why I've never dated and why I'm not dating, here's your answer: "I'm not comfortable with a man being attracted to my physical body." And that is a damn shame. Because God did make me look like this. He made me in His image- heart, mind, soul, and BODY- and He is beautiful, so why shouldn't I be? Not to mention, the physical part of any relationship is also very important!

I had these crazy fantasies about finding a guy who, when I asked him why he liked me, would say things like my intellect, my sense of humor, my passion for truth and justice, my desire to know God...and who wouldn't mention my physical body. Turns out, guys don't exclude that last part, and I'm glad! PS~ if they do, they're 1) lying or 2) not the guy for you! (actually if they're lying to you, they shouldn't be the guy for you either)

I'm not saying that the idea of modesty is something to be thrown out the window, but I do think it's something we need to reevaluate. Maybe I'll post my thoughts on what I consider it to be tomorrow ;)

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I have broken a couple of the modesty rules: I love skinny jeans and no longer wear tank tops under all of my V-neck/low cut shirts. However, I have yet to break into the world of bikinis...but I am going on a cruise in October. The jury is out.

Are You Living At Work?

Today while sitting at my desk, I realized that I had been living under a large misconception. Somehow I had been fed the idea that my job or "work" would be a separate piece of my life...that it wouldn't be integrated into the whole. I would go to work during the day, but then come home in the evening and live my life. That's why everyone looks forward to the weekends, right? That's when you actually get to live! 


Simply not true. And if it is true for you, that's pathetic because you're wasting around 40% of your waking hours. After 4 weeks of full-time employment I've realized how much of an integral piece of my life my job is.  That being said, I have three tips for those of you who are just out college and looking for your first job (and I suppose for those of you who are looking to change jobs):

1. Choose a job you like and that inspires you: I spend close to 50 hours a week at my job...and I love it! A large portion of that is because I like what I do and because I know my job is an integrated component of my life. Another portion of that is I know that I'm impacting the lives of thousands and perhaps millions of people every day. 
2. Choose a company that fits who you are: Know your strengths and what energizes you and find a company that will let you do those things! I absolutely love learning, building relationships with customers, and taking responsibility for projects. At Epic, I've been encouraged to do all of these things from day 1. I couldn't find any other company that would let me do that right out of college. 
3. Choose a company that hires people you want to be like: The environment and the people we're around shape us. Fact. That being said, this tip should be obvious. I have yet to meet a person here that is not passionate, creative, and full of life. Not to mention they're all brilliant! 

I think in hearing all the advice about keeping your work life and home life separate we take it a little to the extreme. I'm not endorsing you checking work emails at 9pm at home (don't get crazy), but I am saying that you are living while you're at work. Act like it. Get to know your neighbors in the cubical or office next to yours, ask your boss about the kids in the picture on his/her desk, be aware that your officemate's spouse is in Africa! Yeah, she's in Africa! I was like, "WHAT!" 

What is your work/life philosophy? Where did you get it from?

How do you view your job? Is it integrated with or separated from the rest of your life? 

And to answer my title question, I certainly hope you are. 

The First Two Weeks

So, I actually moved to Madison 4 weeks ago, but this is a little update I wrote after my first two weeks on the job. After this post, things will be more current J

I have now successfully completed 2 full work weeks …and I am tired. Who knew working between 45 to 50 hours a week would be so exhausting! Needless to say, here are snapshots of my first 2 weeks:

Quotes of the week: 

Famous person- “Be yourself, everyone else is taken”- Oscar Wilde

One of my favorite playwrights of all time! Needless to say, I’m trying…but I’ve discovered that I don’t really fit in with Madison. That being said I’m now contemplating dreading my hair, getting a facial piercing, or tattooing half my body. Let voting commence!

Will-never-be-famous person- “I’m going to pretend I’m pregnant if he wants to break up with me.”

So I always knew this was a thing…but I was really hoping it wasn’t a real thing.  

Life Lessons: 

Apparently one has to write one’s own name on their apartment mailbox…who knew?

Obviously not me. After not receiving mail for a few days, I decided to write my name on my mailbox…and junk mail has been flowing in ever since.

Know what interests you and find people who are interested in the same things.

So depending on who you are and what you like to do, both sides of this statement may be a struggle. For me, I know my interests, but the people who are interested in the same thing seem rather hard to come by in Madison. Time to buckle down and search harder. Latin dance clubs, here I come!

On the Job: 

“It’s going to feel a lot like school for the first few months, but it’s not school. It’s your job.” – my mentor

I haven’t reconciled this one quite yet in my mind…it feels a whole heck of a lot like school. I sit in class for 4 hours a day, do projects, take exams- am I missing something?

Fail early. It will motivate you not to fail again.

Here in training, after we finish a set of classes we take exams and because there is such a high standard, employees are required to get at least an 85% on all tests to pass. I failed the first one. Was it a big deal to anyone but me? No. However, I will not be failing anymore.

 My office! 

View from my office

As you all can see, my office is quite bare. We are allowed to decorate however we would like so pass along your best office decorating tips! 

In The Beginning...

Lake Mendota Sunset in Madison

As I mentioned in the Intro, I started a new job in Madison, WI a few weeks ago. On that first Monday there were 309 other new hires with me. I had just moved to Madison the previous Friday. It actually wasn't as much of a whirlwind as I expected it might be. I'm so thankful that my dad and brother came up with me to move me in on Friday and then my mom came up on Saturday to hang out and help me unpack (let’s be honest, she did most of the unpacking). The following are a few very short snapshots into my first 5 days. 

Madison:

One should only walk around the capitol square counterclockwise during the weekly Farmers' Market! 

On Saturday morning my dad and I walked downtown to the bank which is conveniently located on the opposite side of the square...we were swimming upstream the entire time. 

"Hey. There's a disco right down the street if you want to party later." 

If you're walking around Madison at 10pm on a Saturday evening you will be politely invited by the slightly tipsy guys walking down your street to go party later...if you should so desire. This invitation was also extended to my mother who was walking with me. 

On the Job:

"Welcome to the over-achievers." 

My team at work. We technically have 6 months to finish training, but I was informed not even an hour into my first day that I will probably be receiving my first customer after about 4 months and I should aim to have everything done by then. My mentor then progressed to give me tips on how to most efficiently and effectively (and quickly) finish training. 

"Prepare to be overwhelmed. Everybody is. "

I asked my mentor who has worked at the company for the past 6 years how he felt about his workload...that was his response. 

God has been so good just in terms of the people I've met here. My mentor is awesome, as is my office mate. I've also met a wonderful woman through training that has been great since she's married, probably in her upper 20's and thus out of the partying stage...she's also Indian (had to find the one other non-white person in my training group!). That comment about the diversity of our group is only slightly exaggerated. 

It’s been quite the adventure thus far, but God has been so faithful in already giving me a church where I feel at home and a community to be a part of.

What advice would you give someone just out of college about life, their first job, or moving to a new city? Any and all thoughts are welcomed! 

Intro

Let me start by saying, I don’t know why I’m doing this.

Maybe because crafting words is fun to me…not that I’m necessarily good at it.

Maybe because I’m an introvert and hate talking…that’s probably more the reason.

I was always the kid in class that sat in the back corner. The one the teacher thought was never engaged because I never interacted during class. But, I was listening. Listening and thinking and daydreaming.

I grew up in an evangelical church and accepted Christ at an early age…8 I think. Now that I know more about the psychological stages of moral development, I would say that I actually surrendered my life to God my junior year of high school. All that to say my worldview is very “White, middle-class, Evangelical.” And yes, that is a thing. 

My musings will probably pertain mostly to my faith, sexuality, and racial identity. I've realized over my lifetime that all of those things are a giant mess.

I have recently moved to a new city and started a new job, so I don't promise that posts about that won't creep into the mix as well. 

For those of you who care: 
Relator. 
Context. 
Learner. 
Individualization. 
Responsibility.
INTJ. 

It can actually explain quite a lot.